Crush

I’m blessed to have a feeling this strong, a feeling that no one else could have that night, I’ll be walking this feet and none of you would ever know when in this world I might be. hopefully I’ll get the right decision.

I’ve been thinking about you. I waited your text, and it didn’t show up. I don’t know why you rarely text or phone me first, except it’s done by me. I wish I knew why. I felt so foolish. I was able, for the first time in my life to say the exact thing I wanted to say at the exact moment I wanted to say it. and of course, afterward I felt terrible just as you said I would. I was cruel and I’m never cruel. though I can hardly believe what I said mattered to you. anyway I so wanted to talk to you. it’s so complicated.

I just want to say that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many some things. I’m getting so frustated about a certain something. I’m getting so stressed out about a certain something. You and everything.

I’ve realized that I’m quite a negative person. I find the worst in everything and seem to always be complaining. I’m definitely one of those ‘glass half empty’ people. I know it gets annoying to constantly be pointing out the worst and being pessimistic about what is to come, and i hate hate hate myself for doing it. I think I’ve just been disappointed so many times in the past, that deep down I know that nothing will ever go my way. there will always be something getting in the way of me getting what I want or something preventing me from being happy. I feel like if for just once something in life would turn out right, maybe I could be more optimistic and not focus so much on the negatives. sorry, just some random thoughts overwhelmed from my head…